Screaming Penguin

Mitch Hedberg, possibly one of the funniest comedians ever (in my ohh so
humble opinion), has passed away. Mitch was famous for "one-liners", so I thought
I would include a few of them here, not that you can do it justice without hearing his
actual act...

From Wikiquote:

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again"
because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have
opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon,
Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends
at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the
rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is
a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up."
You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of
the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version
corn off the cob. It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then
reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together...
I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify.
I got an ant farm. Them fellas don't grow shit.
I went to the store to buy a candle-holder, but they were out. So I bought a
cake.
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an
argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you
supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you
don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky.
"Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something
up"
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just
the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where
the fuck did you get that banana at...
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a
escalator temporarily outta order sign, just escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the
convenience... we appologize for the fact that you can still get up there"
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though
there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too...I
tried to taste it, but it did not work...

R.I.P. Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005.